I found out the day before Christmas that I was pregnant. My oldest daughter was born 5 years ago and because we had been trying for over three years I was open to the fact that we might not have another biological child or I suppose I hoped I was open enough to the reality that it might not happen. During these past three years I found myself being able to relate in a small way to friends who could never bear their own children and yet I was also surrounded by my “other” set of friends who had at least 3 to 4 children. I didn’t fit in anywhere. It was a strange place to be and I wasn’t fully prepared for the emotional roller-coaster I was riding, although who is ever prepared where hormones and feelings are concerned? I felt a lot of guilt, what was wrong with my body? Was I not worthy of having another baby? I felt like it was part of the “plan” to have at least another child. I really wanted my little girl to have a sibling, and I worried about the future. Then there were selfish reasons, what would I do, go back to work, stay home, go back to school? The thought of any of these scared me and it was all about me. I think I’ve learned a lot and I feel a lot for both the women who can’t have what they want, that which they long for and for the busy moms. The issues I felt didn’t go away because now I’m having a baby. I still don’t feel like I fit in, but maybe that’s normal and its okay. I think infertility is a very personal thing and not everyone is able to open up about it, but for others they can. I’m glad I have gained more empathy for my fellow sisters in either situation.
0 comments:
Post a Comment